My daughter introduced me to BTS in early 2020. I really didn’t like them at first. I thought they wore too much makeup and I made a little fun of them. My oldest daughter was hell bent on getting me to like them. So about May 2020 she said, “Mama, listen to them one more time.” She made me a playlist and the very first song was Paradise. I was like alright, they sound really good. I listened to the rest of the playlist and 134340 grabbed my attention. She also made me a video playlist and made me watch the Wings videos in order and drilled me relentlessly on their names. Needless to say I became a fan and in August 2020, I officially became part of the ARMY family.
Around October 2020, I started to feel the seasonal depression creeping up as it always around that time did but this time was a little worse. I had been working 6 days a week because I liked the money and I didn’t like being at home. Home was beginning to suffocate me. My husband could see what was going on with me but he didn’t care. He carried on like everything was normal. I couldn’t sleep at night and I couldn’t wait for the sun to rise. I’d shut myself up in my bedroom and cry. I’d come out to cook and wash dishes but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I’d only answer if I had to. I would visit my son who lived about an hour and a half away because I couldn’t stand to even be in that county. My girls came with me on every trip. They knew why we were going. On December 20, everything came to a head. I got sick at work and I had to leave early. I went home and that day is when everything started to really spiral downward. It got to the point where everything was painful. Breathing, sleeping, not sleeping, eating…..just being alive was becoming too painful. I wanted to end it. The pain was too unbearable and death seemed to be the only way out. It was not a matter of when because I had definitely made up my mind that I was going to commit suicide it was just a matter of how I was going to do it. It was a couple days after Christmas and I was laying in bed waiting for the sun to come up and I kept hearing this song repalying in my head. I didn’t know the name of it but I knew it was a BTS song that I had heard before. I knew that it came after Pied Piper on my playlist. So I found it and played it continuosly. The song: Epiphany. I listened to Epiphany several times every day for two weeks. I began to feel a little better each day. Epiphany brought me back to life. BE became my healing balm. Every song helped me cope with my depression. While listening to that album, the tears flowed freely and helped me heal. I also decided to open a new Twitter page and become a part of the ARMY community on that platform. While on there, I have learned that BTS also found many others who needed them also. BTS not only has great music, but they have a great message that they share with others not only through their music, but through their actions. They have taught me to remain humble and true to my beliefs even when others may be against me. They have encouraged me to believe in myself. They have encouraged me to love myself. At the lowest point that I have ever been at in my life, they spoke to me and told me that I am the one I should love in this world. I will be always be grateful to my oldest daughter for being the persistent human being that she is and asking me to listen to them one more time and I will always be grateful to BTS for literally saving my life. I am a firm believer that you don’t find BTS, they find you.
- United States