Promise to my Inner Child

Dear little me,

In case you’ve been wondering, future is gonna be okay. I know it’s not in your worries right now: you’re too focused on being a good little girl to save Dad from his own bottled demons.

But one day will come when you won’t be able to clown yourself anymore about how hurt and angry you are.
One day will come when you’ll realize how broken you are, how twisted your mindset is.
One day will come when you’ll understand that doing your best doesn’t always bring you what you wish for, and that you can’t save anyone but yourself in the end.

You see, you’ll be managing so fine for a long time: top of the class, always the kind and compromising one, never raising your voice, never saying no, never complaining.
You’ll be the self-proclaimed knight of the family, building yourself an armor made of fat to protect everyone and bear the never ending pressure you’re putting on yourself.

But failure is not something you can control.
So you’ll fail to save the family, fail to make Dad stay, fail to be enough for him to try and stop diving more in alcohol.

You’ll decide to try harder, to not be a burden on Mom, on anyone, to rely on your own strength, even though you’re scared of everything and anything.
You’re good at building masks, at pretending. And nobody will really try to scratch behind the plaster anyway.
Lie, lie, lie…

And you’ll keep on climbing, having your diploma, becoming a teacher: life is smiling upon you while you’re crying inside, because you still weren’t enough to keep your first love from leaving you, because you’re failing as a teacher trainee, because you’re slowly leaving behind everything that makes you feel alive: writing, art, music…
Your first death is upon you, unnoticed.

Someone is here to shake you, to support you but you are unable to receive his words. You’re not alone, but you fail to see it. You’re burning yourself out when you finally found your other half.
You’ll be grieving, a lot. And you won’t be prepared to lost both the source of your joys and sorrows in such a short period of time.

But you’ll get up, once again. Going around in circle, despairing, wanting this to end, but you can’t give up, always the stubborn one.

You’ll be lucky to find your tribe little by little, to find what makes your soul sing step by step: and when Dad and Grandpa will pass away, even at your lowest, you’ll be able to keep going, because they will find you.

Those 7 normal boys from Korea you’ve been knowing only by name and labeled as not your jam without even listening to them. K-pop and rock/metal are so opposite, right? You prefer listening to Japanese artists anyway, they feel more authentic.

The ones you’ve beginning to discover through Dynamite and their dance practice totally by chance while watching an anime fan made video, or through shorts videos on Instagram, you know, the app you downloaded not that long ago even if you’re wary of social media.

The ones that will make you cry when you will watch ON MV for the first time, while grieving and locked up at home thanks to Covid. The moment where you’ll blow up your prejudices and actually look at them with the intent to understand.

A Mic Drop you never expected.

The start of a journey where you’ll find their names, learn about their story, listen to hours of music in a random mode to feel the rush of novelty, liters of tears shed and tons of dancing in tiny-not so tiny. The music will lure you in, but their souls will make you stay, because every single one of them resonates with a part of you.

A connection you never felt before.

You’ll be scared by how intense the whole experience is, but you won’t be able to run away.
You’ll want to support them without crushing other artists or the ones you already love. You’ll put boundaries and preserve your energy and love for what’s important.

You will be learning everything you weren’t able to learn as a child.

You’ll break of your comfort zone, create again and reach out on social media, to finally meet your second family, a chosen one with this strange sense of belonging that will make you smile everyday.

You’ll feel a bit more like yourself, standing a bit taller, walking with a little more confidence day by day.

You’ll be drawing new dreams in the sky, a step closer to embrace who you are, flaws and beauties, fully.

So you’re nice, so keep going, and don’t be afraid to fail, because that’s how you learn: you’ll tell this all the time to your students!

You never walk alone, you’ll find a way, and even if you take detour, it will be ok.

Love,

Emilie

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