My Truth Untold

Hiiii BTS

I am sat by the window thinking about what exactly to write, not because I don’t know what to write but because I have soo much to say that I don’t know where to start. My words cannot express the feelings so I wish there was a way I could express all my feelings in one word but I guess that’s impossible. My name is Arzoo which means wish/desire
I was born in May 2000 in a small town in north Pakistan, I have two sisters , both who are proud ARMYs too like me and one younger brother . I spent seven years in that beautiful town surrounded by nature and mountains,I would wake up to the chirping of birds every morning and of course to the annoying rooster. We had many deep rivers and lakes and so I grew to love swimming.

In 2008 we moved from that beautiful small town to the Uk. I joined a new school, however it was really hard to get along with the children as the language we spoke we’re totally different. I was a goofy child and grew up with many male cousins therefore I was very boyish. I went through bullying as I was different but I got through as I didn’t understand what they said, but I understood their mocking laughter.

I grew to be hated by people as they saw me to be different -they saw how boyish I was and once they learned my name, they would laugh and say you mean the yougurt, (my real name is Pakiza which means pure and there happens to be a  yougurt company that goes by the same name). Therefore, I prefer the name Arzoo instead, which I named myself cos it means wish. I wished people would see me for who I was and then I wish that they accepted my name. Some would call me cow because of the yougurt company logo. I once had girls come up to me and said I saw you on the weekend and I asked where, and they laughed and said on the yougurt box -we saw the cow. But today, I’m not going to shy away from the fact that all this happened- this is still part of my identity, I am now confident in who I have become, I have accepted my past mistakes and like you said RM…I finally did it! Today I spoke myself!

As a child I had anger issues I fought with everyone when I changed schools I once again was bullied, every time I sat on a seat the person sat next to it would always move away from me and I saw how they secretly looked at each other and then would glance at me and laugh. During this time I lost my beloved Uncle to whome I was really close to. During this time, all my confidence had drained and my happiness there was none, I grew so annoyed at everything that when someone would talk to me I wouldn’t care. I started to become mischievous and would cause chaos in the classroom I started to disrespect the teachers as they didn’t see what I went through and everyday my dad would get a phone call of complaint and said they would suspend me. Thinking back, I realise how crazy I was 😂. Later that year I lost another close beloved person- my grandad passed away and so once again, I grew quite again. I am writing this and I am crying. I started to lose focus in school and was really behind, then I stopped doing school work altogether and would get shouted at in school because all my life has been has been a failure so I knew nothing was going to go right-  I saw how much I had changed and it hurt to know that I was once the girl who loved to go out and enjoy adventures, yet this version of myself I lost, upon moving to the Uk. My experience moving abroad changed me, I hated going out, I grew anxious at the thought of meeting and facing people. But one day I was sat quietly in my room crying cos I was denied a place in college, then my sister was sat in the same room and she was watching some funny tiktoks and I saw V in the tiktok. He was doing something funny and it made me laugh, at my most vulnerable moment, while I was crying. At that moment my heart was filled with so much awe at V and he’s healing smile-  I continued watching BTS tik tok edits with her and saw so many comments from people calling themselves ARMYs and I was surprised as to what exactly that meant. I saw just how everyone in the comments were so content and happy at being you’re fans and at that moment I knew I had found my safe place, now that I proudly call my second home and family. Knowing how the 7 of you were far from home too, dealing with hate and yet still working so hard and proving the haters wrong, I began to connect with you as it mirrored very much my own personal situations.

I started to search for songs by Bts and came across the perfect song ‘The truth untold’ this song reminded me that I wasn’t alone in what I was going through, when I heard this song it felt like it was written for me it clicked so well with my life as if you knew what I was going through.

After listening to many songs and as I got to know all of you, I started to feel connected to you and found that all my happiness lied within the seven of you. As I got to know you all, I realised how much I liked and got connected to Rm -because of how he took care of the members even when they don’t notice and how beautiful he looked when he smiled and I saw that you all worked hard and yet smiled and so I realised how much I had ahead of me, I thought how one day you were normal people and so I grabbed courage and went and told my dad I wanted to continue with education that I gave up on, I studied a year course  in teaching and now I will soon receive my diploma in teaching children and young people in schools and colleges. Then I will study two more years of teaching and training then I will soon start to teach.

Moving from sad stuff,  I am now 20 years old and now I am settled and content with everything ,I now live with scars from back home in north pakistan scars of mountains that I fell on when I was hiking to a scar on my lip that a child once gave me in a fight and I also have a Harry Potter scar on my forehead from when I fell off a roof when I was a child, I am glad I am alive cos I now have Bts and Army and I enjoy everything that you prepare for us, I enjoy all your songs but my fav is Mikrokosmos cos this song touches my heart and is the only song that made me dance (I never dance). I also like black swan and no more dream and fire and the list will go on-  I just love all your songs!!

I really enjoy being an army and I am glad that we (army) have you seven birds of hope. We all love you and I hope you achieve more than what you dream. I hope we can meet one day although it’s impossible as I live very far, throwing my Purple love to you, so please catch onto it.
p.s Rm I saw when you are really happy you smile with your teeth and it’s soo cute;)- continue smiling 💜🤗

love from across the world yours truly Pakiza/ Arzoo

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