(n.) A healthy state of mind, characterized by self control, moderation and a deep awareness of one’s true self, and resulting in true happiness.
Ever wonder how it feels like when your heart shatters so loud it’s the only thing you hear?
Ever wonder how it feels like when you witness yourself slipping away quicker than time itself?
Ever wonder how it feels like to exist instead of living?
Let me tell you how it feels like.
It feels like you have been submerged underwater for far too long than you can stand.
It feels like you have been trapped in a jungle with thorn and needles pointed at you from every angle.
It feels like you are being strangled by an unknown force every waking second of your life.
It feels like you are only existing and not living, it feels like death.
To feel death so close to you, you can almost taste it on the tip of your tongue is scary but also a relief.
Scary because ofcourse, it’s death.
Relief due to the fact that the suffering the world and existing brings to you will end.
This is my story and this is how I discovered BTS.
Yoongi once said that you always find BTS at the right time. He couldn’t have been more correct. Diagnosed with PTSD, Severe depression and anxiety and Panic disorder, I had numbered my existing days as it was far too heavy for me, more like a burden or a chore that I didn’t want to do but was forced to. The idea of death entertained me far more than the reality of existing. Still, death was scary but not as scary as to simply exist. It was a sacrifice I was willing and ready to make just to escape the burden I saw as existing. For months, I held death in the palm of my hand, encouraging myself to close it bit by bit, convincing myself that it was the only escape from what I was going through. For months, I prepared myself to be a part of the past which others would hopefully never remember. For months, I planned my own death.
That is, however, until I discovered BTS.
The times I spent on crying over my pathetic existence was replaced with me laughing with them while watching Run BTS.
The times I spent on staring into nothing, completely numb and unaware of my surroundings was replaced with me singing along with them to their songs.
The times I spent on planning my own death was replaced with me actually living life. Not existing. Living.
Before I knew it, plans about ending my life seemed not very important. What did seem important however, was if Joon was finally planning to get a driver’s license, if Jin was still playing Maple Story in his tent, if Yoongi was in a manbun during practice , if Hobi was still keeping pictures of all the members in separate folders, if Jimin ate yet, if Taehyung listened to Jazz today or if Jungkook still likes banana milk as much as he did before.
Before I knew it, anticipation for the next day and what it would bring took over the gloominess that I once referred to as existing.
And before I knew it, I was not only living life but also enjoying every second of it.
People ask me why I love them as much as I do. Wouldn’t you love someone who dragged you out of the pits of darkness into the light that now you see as life? Wouldn’t you love someone who provides you safety and reassurance without even knowing you need it? Wouldn’t you love someone when they make you feel loved and appreciated more than the people around you? Wouldn’t you love someone who never fails to remind you that you’ll always find them next to you whenever you need them? Wouldn’t you love someone who reminds you to live? And most of all, wouldn’t you love someone who taught you to love yourself?
Discovering BTS was not only discovering their music. It was them helping me to get back on my feet, it was them encouraging me to face the world and it was them holding my hand every step of the way to become a better human being. It was them that finally brought peace to my chaos.
I have seen people say this to other artists.
“Your music saved me”
But I will not say it for them because it was not only their music but also their warmth and affection. It was their love that saved me from my self sabotage. So I’ll say this.
“You are my Sophrosyne”